For those of you who read my existential crisis masquerading as a review of Danny Boyle’s T2 Trainspotting last April, no, I haven’t given up amateur film criticism and returned to a directionless life of substance abuse. I have a seasonal job and May through July are my crazy months. I often work 60-hour weeks with few days off and little time for anything else but housework and the occasional nervous breakdown. So that my handful of followers might know that I’m still alive and functioning, lest they “unfollow” me, I have decided to temporarily hand over my post to some guest bloggers.

According to the Motion Picture Association of America, 12 to 39-year-olds make up 39% of the population but buy 53% of movie tickets sold. With that in mind, I thought it appropriate to get some insight from members of that dominant and influential demographic.

My 17-year-old twin nephews, Jesse and Tyler, and my 14-year-old niece, Fergie are avid movie-goers. They have strong opinions on the state of movies today as well as my blog site. I asked them to have a conversation about them and record the result. Here’s a transcript of excerpts from that conversation:

Tyler: Hey Everybody, Tyler here! Here with my sister Fergie and my twin brother Jesse.
Fergie: Hey.
Jesse: Yo.
Tyler: We’re here to give you guys a break from our uncle’s boring reviews about movies you’ve never heard of and wouldn’t see if you had. Lost City of Z? Really? More like Lost City of ZZZZZZ.
Jesse: And T2 Trainspotting? Triple Really. Nothing worse than a sequel you’ve never heard of to another movie you’ve never heard of. And all that talk about losers and drugs and (gag) gay sex. Don’t get me wrong, uncle, I’m OK with you being gay and all. And I think you should be able to marry whoever or whatever you want – Men, women, cats, power tools…whatever, just as long as I don’t ever have to be reminded that you have sex with men.
Tyler: Sooooo wrong.
Fergie: I know, ewww, be gay if you want but don’t rub it in our faces.
Jesse: He always likes the gay movies…like Moonlight. Best Picture of the Year? Yah, whatever. Ok, so the guy was gay. That’s a movie?
Fergie: I heard it was gross.
Jesse: Mostly boring. But there was this one part where his buddy made him jizz.
Fergie: Gross!
Tyler: So gay! I can’t believe you even saw it.
Jesse: My girlfriend made me go.
Tyler: Yeah, right. Boyfriend maybe.
Jesse: Shut up, homo.
Tyler: You shut up, butt boy.

***

Jesse: And what about Kedi? Who really wants to see a Turkish documentary about cats? I can watch all the cat videos I want on YouTube.
Fergie: I love kitties.
Tyler: I hate cats. I’m a guy. I like dogs. Cats are for girls.
Fergie: That’s stupid.
Jesse: Cats are OK. C.J.’s mom has a cat. He’s pretty cool when he’s not trying to put his butt in your face.
Tyler: Who? C. J. or his cat?
Jesse: Funny.
Tyler: You just like them ‘cause you’re gay. You probably like having its butt in your face.
Jesse: Tyler, you’re a douche.
Fergie: We’re supposed to be talking about movies.
Jesse: Most movies are boring! They need to just stick with action movies, and super hero movies. Everything else sucks.
Fergie: Oh brother. Most action movies are stupid. They’re all boy movies.
Tyler: That’s because boy movies are better. Chick flicks suck. Like Snatched. Who wants to see Amy Shumer and her big butt?
Jesse: Yeah, that movie sucked ass.
Tyler: She’s not even funny. And who was that old hag with the hack-job plastic surgery? Is she supposed to be famous?
Fergie: That’s Goldie Hawn. She won an Oscar, like a million years ago, when she was young and pretty.
Tyler: Who cares?
Jesse: Never heard of her.
Fergie: She’s Kate Hudson’s mother. Don’t you know anything about movies?

Jesse: Who’s Kate Hudson?
Tyler: Who cares about old movie stars? They don’t matter anymore.

***

Fergie: Wonder Woman was good.
Tyler: Gay!
Fergie: Wonder Woman isn’t gay, she’s badass. She could kick your butt!
Tyler: As if. So dumb. Like there’s this island of all women. And all they do is train to fight all day with this lesbian gym teacher, but there’s no one to fight.
Fergie: They fought the Nazis, didn’t they?
Tyler: They weren’t Nazis, dork. It was World War I. They were Germans.
Fergie: Germans, Nazis, what’s the difference? At least Wonder Woman had a good message.
Tyler: Oh right. (Pulls on T-shirt with both hands, making mock breasts, in mock female voice.) “I’m Wonder Woman and I believe in love!”
Fergie: You’re so immature.
Tyler: Girls can’t be super heroes. It doesn’t make sense.
Fergie: That’s dumb.
Tyler: Name one good action movie with a female lead.
Fergie: Terminator 3: Judgement Day, Alien, Aliens
Tyler: Whatever.
Fergie: Hunger Games, Hunger Games: Catching Fire, Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 1, Hunger Games Mockingjay Part 2
Tyler: Big Deal. Those are all series.
Fergie: Aeon Flux, Kill Bill
Jesse: Kill Bill was awesome.
Tyler: Yeah, that was awesome, but that was Tarantino.
Jesse: Wonder Woman was OK. Not enough action. Guardians of the Galaxy was way better.
Fergie: I liked baby Groot.
Tyler: Gay!
Jesse: Was not! You think everything is gay.
Fergie: That’s ‘cause he’s gay too.
Tyler: Shut up, dummy!
Fergie: You shut up, gay boy!
Jesse: Can we just talk about movies and stop calling each other names. Guardians was my favorite movie this year. Dave Bautista was hilarious in that movie. That guy is really talented. He did drama in the first movie and now he does comedy in this one. Not everyone can do that. He’s the one who should win an Oscar.
Tyler: You just liked him because he had his shirt off the whole movie. Bet you love his muscles, huh, dude?
Jesse: Shut up, nut guzzler.
Tyler: That movie was kinda stupid. It had all these characters that had nothing to do with the movie.
Jesse: They were references to other Marvel characters. It was for fans of the comics.
Tyler: And for the rest of us, it sucked.
Jesse: So what was your favorite movie this year, genius?
Tyler: Clearly there was no better movie this year than Fate of the Furious. Vin Diesel, The Rock, Jason Statham. What more could you want? It was number one for like a billion weeks. That kind of proves it was the best movie of the year, doesn’t it?
Fergie: Beauty and the Beast was the best movie of the year. It was sad and funny and it had Emma Watson.
Tyler: (in mocking female voice): Oooh, Emma Watson!
Fergie: She’s a superstar. She should win an Oscar.
Tyler: Who cares. Oscars are gay. They look like little gold penises.
Jesse: You’re obsessed with penises.
Fergie: Beauty and the Beast made more money than any movie this year, so that kind of makes it better than Fast and Furious, doesn’t it?
Tyler: It’s The Fate of the Furious, dum-dum. (to Jesse) What about you, gay boy? I’ll bet you loved Beauty and the Beast. You probably know all the songs. (sings in mocking voice) “Tale as old as time…`.” (laughs)
Fergie: Sounds like you’re the one who knows all the songs.
(Tyler makes fart sounds)
Jesse: It was OK for a musical. Kinda boring but the CGI was pretty cool.
Tyler: Musicals are for girls…and gays! No wait, even our uncle hated that one. You know a musical sucks when even your gay uncle hates it.
(all laugh)
Jesse: He hates everything. At least the good stuff. Everything has to be so serious and dramatic. He thinks he’s smarter than everybody else because he likes dramas and all that artsy fartsy crap, like Personal Shopper.
Tyler: Personal Shopper? WTF?
Jesse: Some movie Uncle blogged about. Haven’t you read his blog?
Tyler: Hell no. I don’t read that boring crap.
Jesse: It’s a slow-assed ghost movie with Kristen Stewart.
Tyler: Kristen Stewart’s hot, for a lesbo anyway.
Jesse: Leave it to uncle to like a boring ghost movie.
Fergie: And he thinks the movies we like are bad.
Tyler: He’s just jealous ‘cause Hollywood makes movies for us and not for him. Young people rule the box office. That’s a fact, dude.
Jesse: That’s the way it should be.
Fergie: Oh well, even though our uncle likes bad movies, at least he likes them. Everybody should get to see the kinds of movies they enjoy. That’s what going to the movies is all about, isn’t it?
Tyler: GAY!

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