It’s the Black Guy’s Fault (Things to Blame on the President)
Originally posted June 28, 2016
President Obama is just a few months away from his final days as President, but the usual baseless Republican smears continue without mercy or common sense. Obama’s political enemies have become less vocal with accusations that he’s a Muslim. (He clearly isn’t, but so what if he is?) And the bat shit crazy birther nonsense has thankfully subsided. (Seven and half years in, there’s really no point.)
Now it’s blame time.
Every crisis in the nation and indeed the world, is of course, Obama’s fault. John McCain, The Arizona senator whose ass Obama thoroughly butt-bumped in the 2008 presidential election, blames him for ISIS, in spite of the fact that most analysts point to the bipartisan invasion of Iraq which then-Senator Obama opposed.
And now Donald Trump, the Alex Jones of American politics, blames him for Brexit, even though most political observers have blamed, at least in part, the same brand of xenophobic, nationalistic racism that has become the very substance of Trump’s campaign.
All of this has me wondering what other terrible things Republicans might want to blame on the President.
Here are a few suggestions:
- The War of 1812
- The Great Depression
- The Crucifixion of Christ
- Original Sin
- Green Jello Salad
- Heaven’s Gate
- Exxon Valdez
- Keeping Up With The Kardashians
- The Kardashians
- High Fructose Corn Syrup
- Urinary Tract Infections
- Polyester Leisure Suits
- Macklemore and Ryan Lewis Winning the Grammy for Best Rap Album
- The Trout Pout
- The Reign of Terror
- Justin Bieber (See Number 18)
- Cindy Crawford’s Mole
- Keith Richard’s Face
- The Spanish Inquisition
- The Extinction of The Dodo
- Auto Erotic Asphyxiation
- Kanye West’s Ego
- Trash Cans Made of Elephant’s Feet
- Full House
- Fuller House
- Lions, Tigers and Bears (Oh, My!)
- Jar Jar Binks
- Resting Bitch Face
Top 12 Signs You May Be a Gay Man
(With apologies to David Letterman)
Originally Posted January 27, 2016
12. You understand that a melon baller is not something you buy at your local porn shop.
11. You have a favorite choreographer on So You Think You Can Dance.
10. You refuse to make deviled eggs for the company picnic because you can’t find a decent jar of capers at the last minute.
9. You know what capers are.
8. You think Andrew Lloyd Weber has done some solid work, most notably Aspects of Love and Evita, but he lacks the intricate understanding of the innate connection between form and content found in the best works of Stephen Sondheim.
7. You’d like to bitch-slap that little tramp, Rebecca King, for stealing your man, Terry Crews.
6. You can list, in reverse order, your three, all-time favorite award show dresses.
5. That slinky black sequined number with neon highlights that Kathleen Turner wore at the 1993 Tony Awards.
4. The stunning beaded Gucci worn by Charlize Theron at the 2004 Academy Awards.
3. Kidman, Dior, ’97 Oscars…’nuff said.
2. You and your three cats all got ringworm at the same time.
1. You have three cats.
How Celebrities Pronounce “Quinoa”
Originally Posted January 3, 2016
Ten years ago, you never even heard of it. Now quinoa is the grain du jour. Touted for its potent nutritional benefits and low fat content, quinoa is the trendiest yuppie health food craze this side of kale. But in spite of its popularity, some people still have trouble pronouncing it. Here’s how some famous people might attempt it:
George W. Bush – “Keen – /War”
Hellen Keller– “Keen – /Wa – Wa”
Barbie – “Ken – /Wow”
Kanye West – “/Kahn – /Yay”
Tom Cruise – “Queer – /Nah”
Ricky Martin – “Queer – /Ya”
Prince Phillip – “Queen – /Ohhhh”
Sylvester Stallone – “Keen – /Yo”
Donald Trump – “/Con – You”
Dan Aykroyd – “/Cone – Wearer”
John Hamm – “Keen – /View
Grumpy Cat – “/Me – ow”