Guest Blog: Ren and Rey are Siblings – Deal with It

Hey freaks, It’s me, Jesse, Uncle Nibbler’s nephew. It’s great to be back to this blog so I can once again give everyone a break from my Uncles’ boring reviews: Coco? Wasn’t that for babies and their mamas? Yup, but Uncle Nibbler liked it, naturally. At least he liked The Last Jedi… I think. I never finished reading his review. That sucker’s like 500 pages long already.
So anyway, everyone that knows me knows I’m like this major Star Wars fan and I’m all about the theories. So now that Episode VIII – The Last Jedi is out, I have a few new things to talk about. So here goes:

*Spoiler Alert* (like you haven’t already seen it)

So you guys didn’t really believe that crap story Kylo Ren told Rey about her parents being nobodies, did you? He was obviously bluffing. Duh. The guy’s not exactly a reliable source. Is he? He was obviously feeling her out, trying to get in her mind. The theory that’s been around since Episode VII – The Force Awakens, about Kylo Ren and Rey being brother and sister is true, dudes. Like for real. After seeing The Last Jedi, I’m more convinced than ever. Here’s my argument. Listen and learn.

First there’s the names: Ren And Rey. Rey and Ren. Ren And Rey. Rey and Ren. Yeah, yeah, I know that may seem lame, but the naming of characters can be real important. Like, for example, Rocket Raccoon, from the year’s best movie, Guardians of the Galaxy 2. He’s a raccoon but he flies a space ship. Get it? Rocket Raccoon? Writers always like to pull stuff like that to drop hints about their characters and their relationships and stuff. Ren and Rey. Rey and Ren. Luke and Leia. Leia and Luke. Luke and Leia are twins (boy-girl twins, not identical twins. Duh). I believe Ren and Rey might be too. Or maybe they’re just half brother and sister. Everybody knows Han was a big-time playa, right? Repeating things is common in the Star Wars movies. (How many giant planet killers are we up to now?) And my Uncle says twins are a common thing in the myths that George Lucas’ stole from in the original movies. So they did it once and they can do it again.

Ok, Ok, so Kylo Ren’s real name isn’t Kylo Ren. It’s Ben Solo. (For you dorks out there, he’s the son of Han Solo and Princes Leia. Duh.) But by giving them such similar names, the writers have made a connection between them in our minds. It’s a subliminal thing, like those orgy pics hidden in those plates of shrimp on restaurant menus. Pretty deep. They know what they’re doing. There’s no friggin’ way it’s a mere coincidence. The writers are either trying to mislead us or they’re dropping hints. Ren and Rey. Rey and Ren. Ren and Rey. Rey and Ren.

Second – there’s that badass scene in the latest movie, The Last Jedi, where Ren slices Snokes’ ugly self in half like a stinky-assed ham sandwich. Ren body-circumcises Snokes after he threatens to kill Rey, just like Vader killed the emperor in Return of the Jedi for trying to kill his son, Luke Skywalker. (When it comes to the Force, you don’t f*** with family, right?) Next thing you know, Ren and Rey immediately turn back to back to defend themselves from the Supreme Leader’s guards. When they do this, they become one fighting force. I know what you’re going to say. “They both have the force in common. That’s their bond.” But that’s just stupid. What dumbass is gonna team up with someone who’s their mortal enemy that tried so hard to kill you in the first movie just because you both have the Force. There’s something else going on besides them sharing basic Force skills. Ren and Rey have a bond, a really really powerful one, like a brother and sister.

Now some people are saying that maybe the real bond between Ren and Rey is that they have, get this, the hots for each other, because Ren projected himself to Rey with his shirt off, right? (I’m still trying to forget that.) But that theory is dumb af. There’s no sex in Star Wars. Hell they almost never even kiss. And what do these people think? That Ren is mentally Facetiming himself around the galaxy, scopin’ out Force chicks and saying, “Hey baby, you want some of this?” That’s just wrong.

And about that mental projection stuff – My third and final argument has to do with another similarity between Ren and Rey and Luke and Leia and a really cool one too. No movie in the history of the Star Wars universe has ever shown a living person use the force to visit another and over a such a long distance (like friggin’ light years). Ren visits Rey on Luke’s island this way (half naked like I said.) But this doesn’t just happen once in The Last Jedi. It happens twice. It happens again later in the movie, but this time Luke projects himself to Leia and the rebels on the awesome af mineral planet, just like Ren visited Rey at Ahch-to. This can’t be a coincidence. Maybe only family members can do this. Maybe it’s the movie’s way of telling us that Ren and Rey are brother and sister. Think about it, dudes.

So that’s all I have for now. Uncle Nibs said to keep things under two pages. (Like you did with your Last Jedi review? Right.) If you don’t agree with my arguments, what can I say? There will always be doubters. But if you still need convincing, please consider purchasing my new series of 10 audio files. It’s called I Know More About This Shit Than You Do: A Star Wars Manual. It’s available at $19.99 per file. Check my Twitter account (@JesseStudMan) for more information. And while you’re there, check out my other tape series Ancient Cydonia: Fall of the City of Satan… Ha Ha. Just kidding. I made that one up. I’m not really into that shit. Just thought it was funny.

This is Jesse signing out. See you freaks at the movies.